No Longer Afraid

A Mother’s Journey from Fear to Faith.

I know fear. In fact, for over 20 years fear was my best friend. I lived in it. I was controlled by it. I made decisions based on it. My whole worldview was saturated in fear … and I didn’t even realize it. One of the many experiences God used to loosen fear’s grip on my heart took place as a young parent. It was, in fact, a moment of deep fear that God used to begin to show me that in His hands I no longer needed to fear … for myself or for my children.

My son, Adriel, was sitting in his highchair. I looked over when I noticed that he’d stopped eating. Some- thing was desperately wrong; his eyes had stopped blinking and he began turning purple. I thought he was choking so I pulled his rigid little body out of his highchair and began the infant Heimlich maneuver. I quickly realized he wasn’t choking, but he was still turning more purple by the minute. He looked completely lifeless, eyes open staring blankly. Panic overwhelmed me and I ran outside screaming for help, my son cradled in my arms. Someone called 911. My entire street was out. My neighbor ran over to me and stopped when she saw the small, now limp body in my arms. She thought he was dead and so did I.

It was in this moment of panic and confusion that one thought became clear and focused in my mind … the power to save my son was not in my hands. I had no control if Adriel lived or died. The panic of helplessness now seized my heart and I began begging through the tears now pouring down my face, “Lord don’t take my son, please don’t take him… please!” An ambulance arrived, and when I saw him begin breathing and his color returning I finally could breathe myself.

What we learned later is that Adriel was having his first of many febrile seizures caused by a fever. This is a normal condition for some kids, though my son’s condition was a bit more serious because his condition manifested in what the doctors called “cluster seizures” sometimes experiencing four seizures in one episode. You can imagine in his early years the fear I would fight whenever he was around another child with a fever, knowing what we would all experience if he were to get sick.

Though the seizures themselves wouldn’t do any damage to his body I was still terrified by the fact that I could never predict when a seizure might steal the energetic little boy from me, replacing him with a convulsing and then lifeless body. The thought haunted me that if a seizure took him in the middle of the night, or anywhere without supervision, the danger of suffocation was very real. I never got used to the feeling of helplessness. All I could do was hold his hand, sing over him, and pray with him until finally his body was fully restored and he was back with us.

Adriel is now 10 and I am so thankful that he has been seizure- free for 2 years, but those several years of trial were not wasted. Through it all I learned that the Lord is so much bigger than I could previously see. I had been living with a false sense of control. I had allowed fear, rather than trust, to control me. God used this difficult time to assure me that the two beautiful children the Lord has entrusted to me are not ultimately my own … they are His. I can now hold lightly to my children and to so much more in my life. I’m no longer a slave to fear. I know that God’s kingdom purpose, whether hard or easy for me, is bigger then what I see through my tunnel vision. When I do start to feel afraid, I picture fear like a small spider that I can step on and come against in the spiritual realm. I declare the Truth of the Scriptures over myself, my family, and my home. I now hold up my shield of faith and face the fear head on— charging at it full force—with the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God (Ephesians 6:16-17).

Below are some Scriptures I’ve personalized into prayers and to which I cling in moments of fear. I hope as you hide God’s truth in your heart you will experience the same peace that God has given to me.

“I will trust the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding; In all my ways I acknowledge Him, and He will direct my paths. I will not be wise in my own eyes; I will fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to my flesh and strength to my bones.” –PROVERBS 3:5-7

“Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.” –1 JOHN 4:4

“God has not given me the spirit of fear— but of POWER and LOVE and of a SOUND MIND.” –2 TIMOTHY 1:7

“I did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but the Spirit of adoption … and we are more than conquerors through You, Jesus … NOTHING can separate us from Your love …” –ROMANS 8:15, 37-39

“Your perfect love casts out all fears.” –1 JOHN 4:1 8

“I will trust in the Lord, and do good; I will dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness. I will delight also in the Lord and He shall give me the desires of my heart. I will commit my way to the Lord, TRUST also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. I will rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.” –PSALM 37:3-7

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” –PSALM 23:4

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